Tough week.

Hey guys,

So the past week has been impossible feeling. I work in a nursery. Which is amazing. I love the kids I work with so much.

And so I was walking into work, and when I got into work my colleague told me that a child had died. It was completely out of the blue. And I  was just paralysed by it. He was healthy, and then the next day he was gone.

I felt like I couldn't cry at work, I didn't want to be that open with my emotions. But it was impossible to look at photos of him and not cry. This beautiful boy is gone, he never got a chance. And I do. I pray that his mum was survives, I can't imagine how she could cope with that kind of loss.

He came to give us some love, and now he has gone to a better place.

He will always be in our hearts, and we will never forget him.

I feel like I want to escape, to forget about this. Just for a night, an hour, anything. I don't want to carry round the pain of losing him. I thought about drinking, I thought about cutting.

I did drink. The first night. I slipped. I felt like I needed to relax. It didn't relax me at all. It stressed me out. I felt so sick, it's been so long since I drank I don't think my body could really handle that much at once. But once I gave in for one sip I just fell into it all. It didn't make me forget either. I just cried and cried. I felt so angry.

But I know that no matter how much I drink or harm I will always remember again. He was beautiful. And that's what I want to remember. The pain of losing him is nothing compared to the joy I know he is experiencing at going home to his Father.

The morning after drinking I was praying, saying sorry. For screwing up. Again. And it just really hit me: Jesus knew this would happen when He died on the cross. He knew this would happen when He created the universe. He's in charge and I don't need to be afraid, neither do I need to feel like I have to run away from the truth. He died. But it was no accident, God was in that moment, holding his hand, welcoming his soul home.


So I've made it to the end of the week. I still feel like he will come in to nursery tomorrow. I still don't quite believe it. I'll see him again though.

Blessings,

ChristianGirl3420